Last month was a very special month so to keep up the awareness I would like to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Let’s talk mental health…
Let’s be honest… truth runs deeper than a lie.
So let’s just lay it all out. I have kept no secrets that I am bipolar and I have depression and ADHD. It is so hard at times to deal with this emotional and physical roller coaster but you know what I have discovered… mercy is waiting on the other side… if I am honest. I truly feel that I was given this gift to be transparent and to tell my story. Too often we are hushed like it’s a bad thing. Why?? Why should I hurt in silence when I can voice it?? Since I have been diagnosed I have found that mental issues are so prevalent around me and it isn’t something we should be ashamed of. We aren’t doing anyone any favors by keeping it silent and in the shadows.
When you are up you are up… a manic episode where I feel uber happy and energetic, racing thoughts, super creative, super jittery, super talkative, energy like I can run a marathon. I am the life of the party and the kids think I am really fun. Man, those racing thoughts are allowing me to plow through this write up like I am a racing to the finish line. Listening to music makes me want to dance, the sounds just feel good, I feel every beat, feel every word… heck the inspiration to this write up came from a song by Francesca Battistelli – If We’re Honest
I am listening to the music right now and I don’t think my fingers can type as fast as my mind is moving. It is seriously a surreal feeling. It feels like an awesome high to be honest; one that I don’t want to come down from. But the truth is, I will… I will come down from it and it will be hard. The reality of bipolar depression is that it is a literal emotional and physical roller coaster. Sometime soon (tomorrow or in a few days) my body and mind will switch and I will be in a really depressed state. It will be hard to wake up in the morning, hard to parent, hard to drive, hard to get off the couch, hard to think, hard to move really. It is a physical weight on your heart and on your mind and you have absolutely no reason to explain it away. I become Eeyore and it is a hard reality for me to deal with. I have been asked if I am “sad” but I don’t think I can describe it like that. I don’t think I can describe it as anything but “sigh and a head drop.” You just don’t feel like doing anything, you are tired all the time, it’s hard to process anything because you are in a fog, your body feels weighted, your words don’t seem to come out right, you are easily agitated, none of the normal fun stimuli seems to work and you just want to be left alone but you don’t want to be alone. So you try and figure that one out! It’s confusing and hard and dark and blah and lonely. It’s tearful for no reason, tired with plenty of rest, hard with out an excuse, smiling through the pain, it’s having questions that race in your head, it’s numb, it’s immobilizing, it’s hard and it’s often. That is the truth to it all. That is what so many people and I deal with in silence. So now you know. Share this post, tag your friends, talk about it so mental illness is no longer so stigmatized in our culture. Encourage people, be a real listener, be there, use your words wisely, have hope… always have hope and understand that this is real and it is hard and for some it is their whole reality. No one should suffer in silence, no one should feel alone in this. Everyone has a story to tell… and this is mine.
Also check out this other song by Francesca Battistelli that hits close to home.
Thanks for reading… Cheers… Kat